Category Archives: Marriage

The Emotional Bank Balance – Dr Muhammad Abd Al-Rahman Al Arifi

” We dictate how others think of us. If a person were to see
you in the market and frown at you, then see you at the grocer’s
and frown at you, and then you bump into him at a wedding
party and see him frowning at you, you would form a picture of
him in your mind. If you were to see him again, or even hear of
him again, his frowning face would instantly come mind. Isn’t that
true?
If a person meets you with a smile, then he meets you elsewhere
with a smile, and so on, there will be a positive smiling
picture of him imprinted in your mind.
This is concerning someone with whom you have no relationship
and only meet with every now and then. But as for
those whom we meet all the time, like a wife, children, work colleagues
and neighbours, then we don’t always deal with them in
the same manner. Yes, they will see us laughing and joking, but no
doubt they will also see us sometimes angry, frowning, argumentative
or even insulting because we are, after all, human beings.
Consequently, their love for us is governed by our good or
bad conduct towards them.

If you wish, you can say that their
love for us is in proportion to the emotional credit that we may have in our accounts with them. How so?
When you show good conduct towards a person, you are in
reality depositing fond memories about yourself in his memory
register. In other words, it is as if he has opened up an account
for you in his heart where he keeps safe his love and respect for
you. Thereafter, your bank balance either increases or decreases.
Hence, each time you meet him with a smile, your emotional
bank balance increases. Each time you give him a gift, it also increases.
Every act of courtesy increases it further. Similarly, each
time you offend, insult or curse a person, you make a withdrawal
from that emotional bank balance.
Similarly, if you have a huge balance with a person and one
day end up angering him, you withdraw only a small percentage
from your emotional bank balance due to the huge original balance.

If a beloved comes with one vice,
His virtues come to the rescue with a thousand intercessors
However, if you don’t have an emotional bank balance with
a person to begin with and then begin to withdraw, then your
account with him will be in deficit. Subsequently, he may develop
a dislike for you since you continue to withdraw but never deposit.

You may have heard the story about a wife who was divorced
by her husband. When asked about the reason for the divorce,
she said, “It was a trivial reason. He wanted me to go with him to
see his sister and I refused. He became angry and began insulting
and cursing me, and then eventually divorced me!”
If you contemplate a little why she got divorced, you would
discover that the reason was not as trivial as she claimed. Rather,
the incident was the last straw that broke the camel’s back!
It is said that there was once a man who had a strong camel.
One day he decided to travel, so he placed all his belongings on
the camel’s back and tied it up. The poor camel tried to withstand
the pressure as he managed to place on its back the load
of four camels. The camel began to waver as the people shouted
at the man saying, “Enough!” But the man didn’t listen. He finally
took a belt made out of straw and placed it on the camel, saying,
“This is very light, and this is the last thing I will place on it.” As
soon as he placed the belt on it, the camel fell to the ground.
Thus, his story became an idiom and it was said, “The last straw
which broke the camel’s back!”
If you think about it, you will realise that the belt was quite
innocent, for it was not the belt that broke the camel’s back.
Rather, the back was broken due to the heavy overall load that
was placed on it, which it tried to withstand with patience until
it could stand it no longer. The miniscule weight of the belt then
finally broke its back.
The same goes for the woman who was divorced by her
husband. I can say for certain that the reason was not just the
fact that she refused to visit his sister. Rather, it was a number
of things including refusing to fulfil his requests and his wishes,
the lack of love between the two, her arrogance and the lack of
respect she had for his views. She continued to withdraw from
her emotional bank account without depositing anything. She
continued to hurt him without healing his wounds. He continued to bear her with patience, until this incident happened which broke the camel’s back.

If she were to have contributed to her emotional bank account
on a regular basis by meeting him nicely, spoiling him a
little, making herself beloved to him, joking and being light-hearted
with him, taking care of his food and clothes and respecting
his views, she would have had a huge emotional bank balance.
She would have been a millionaire in his heart. Consequently, it
would not have mattered much if her emotional bank balance
decreased slightly because her wrong actions would have disappeared
in the sea of her virtues.
You can say the same about a troublemaking student who
has made one mistake due to which his teacher become very
angry and perhaps hit him, or threw him out of the classroom.
Then the student may complain, “Such-and-such a colleague of
mine does things much worse than me, yet he isn’t punished!
As for me, then I didn’t do anything, except that I made a joke
without permission.” He doesn’t realise that the joke was the
last straw which broke the camel’s back. He had always hurt his
teacher without healing his wounds.

The same can be said about colleagues or neighbours who argue amongst each other.
Hence, we are always in need of depositing into the emotional
bank balance that lies in people’s hearts. The husband
should look for opportunities to deposit into his wife’s heart
and continue to increase his points. The wife should do the same.
The son should likewise deposit some love in his father’s heart,
as should the teacher with his students and a person with his
brother. In fact, even the manager should do the same with those who work under him.

In short…
If a beloved comes with one vice,
His virtues come to the rescue with a thousand intercessors”

[Source: Extract from the Book “Enjoy Your Life” via Kalamullah.com]

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The Ideal Divorce – Sheikh Muhammad al-Hamad

Most people do not take divorce seriously enough. Some spouses threaten divorce at the least trouble, and consequently break apart happy homes for the most trivial of reasons. Others refuse to give the option of divorce any serious consideration at all, even when their married lives are a living hell.

Hastiness in divorce is the most common problem. So many divorcees wring their hands in grief after their marriages are over, thinking about the happy times they had and all the pleasantness, warmth, and comfort that they enjoyed with their spouses only realized they missed after it is too late. They look back longingly to the embrace of their loved ones and being together with their children under the same roof, knowing that in anger and haste, they broke their homes forever.

Divorce is literally a breaking of what was once together, and unraveling of what had been tightly knit. This is why Islam has placed conditions upon divorce and recommended steps that should be taken before resorting to such an extreme step. For instance, Islamic Law provides measures like three separate pronouncements an a waiting period to give the estranged couple a chance to rethink their decision and come to a reconciliation.

However, hastiness is not the only problem that causes sorrow and suffering. The refusal to accept divorce under any circumstance brings its own collection of miseries, and it can be just as reprehensible as haste.

The fact that Islam provides for divorce and sets forth its shows that Islam is truly the religion of the All-Wise, All-Knowing Creator. Allah only prescribed divorce as an option because sometimes it is truly in the best interest of the people concerned.

Therefore, we have no reason to become so averse to the idea in principle that we shun it when it is really necessary – when the alternative to divorce is to make two people persist in living lives of distress and suffering. What is the point in a couple subjecting themselves to that? How long should a household remain in a state of perpetual strife and psychological pain?

Marriage is one of the greatest of blessings Allah has provided for us. It is a covenant between two hearts, a union of two souls, and also a coming together of two bodies. When discord comes between those hearts, the mercy, love, and affection that marriage brings are threatened. Every effort should be made to repair the damage and bring reconciliation between the two spouses.

However, if every attempt at reconciliation ends in failure, and it becomes clear that the temperament of one or both of the spouses is such that it is impossible for them to live together on a footing of mutual respect and affection, then it is more merciful to both of them that they go their separate ways, peacefully and amicably.

Unfortunately, divorce is not always peaceful and amicable. Often, one of the spouses is not content to just let the other person go on with their life unscathed. Instead, they find the need to publicize their spouse’s “wrongdoings” and even make up faults that do not even exist – things that could imperil that person’s chances of getting remarried. Even worse, they sometimes lack the common decency to spare their children from hearing those foul things, and may go so far as to actively turn their children against other parent!

This is blatantly unjust. It is enmity at its ugliest and pettiest. This is why Allah has commanded: “the parties should either hold together on equitable terms, or separate with kindness.” [Sûrah al-Baqarah: 229]

The faults and deficiencies of both spouses must be kept private as much as possible, and never be used as a means to cause injury or public shame. They should keep in mind that Allah is most generous and His world is spacious, and that each spouse has more to look forward to in their future than the prospect of debasing the other!

People are of different temperaments and they have different needs. What might prove an irreconcilable fault in one marital relationship might prove to be the basis of success in another.

I would like to share with you the story of a divorce that happened to someone I know personally. Indeed, if I did not know this man and had not been part of his life at the time he got divorced, I would have dismissed the story as an incredible fiction.

This man that I knew had remained with his wife for a number of years, and the two of them were blessed with children. He was from one city in Saudi Arabia and his wife and her family were from another. They often had difficulties in their marriage due to their differing temperaments. He was a laid-back, cool-tempered person while she was disposed to being passionate and hot-tempered.

One day, he sat down with her and said: “My dear, we should not keep on like this, always bickering and always goading each other. Either we come to some sort of understanding or we should go our separate ways. We should either ‘hold together on equitable terms, or separate with kindness’.”

She said: “Let me think about it and pray to Allah for guidance. I implore that you do the same.”

After a period of time, she said to him: “I think it is best for both of us that we part. Perhaps Allah will provide each of us from His grace with something better.”

He said to her: “We should, then, think about divorce, and implore Allah’s blessings.”

Then the day came that he drove her to her parent’s city and left her with her family. He then went to the courthouse and filed the divorce papers as an uncontested and finalized divorce. He then returned to her at her family home and informed her that it was done. He stayed at the house with her family for a few more hours and had lunch with them, then departed.

He then returned to his own home. At that point he broke down. He told me:

I just cried and cried until I couldn’t cry any more, in grief, thinking back on all those years we had lived together. Then, when I finally collected my composure, I called her and her mother – her father was deceased. I said to her: “The children belong to both of us. If you want them to stay with me, that is good. If you want them with you, then I will bring them to you.”

She consulted with her mother and said: “We would like them here with us.”

So I said: “Then, you should tell me how much child support you think is needed and I will send it to you regularly.”

We agreed on an amount, which I pay to them regularly. I keep close tabs on my children. They visit me at home quite often. I also visit them at times. I keep in touch with their mother on maters concerning the children.

After a time, he remarried and had children from his second marriage. His former wife also remarried. However, the two of tem remained in contact with each other concerning the children that they shared. Whenever he went to his former wife’s city for any reason, he would make sure to visit his former mother-in-law (his children’s grandmother) at her home and share lunch or dinner with her family.

To this day, he is happy in his new marriage and attentive to his children from his first marriage. He tells me: “For our children, we make sure that it is as close as possible to their living with both their parents.”

I asked him: “Don’t you and your former wife ever have arguments now regarding the children?”

He said: “No. I am very thankful for the way they are raising my children. It is enough distress for the children that we – their parent – got divorced. We do not need to add to their distress by fighting.”

This is the story of one of my closest friends and I can attest to his situation up to this very day. He and his former wife give us a good example of how people should behave with each other when they disagree – and no disagreement can be more poignant or trying than divorce.

It is sad that when divorce happens, such stories of amicability are very rare. Usually there is a lot of vindictiveness, protracted fighting between the spouses, and much injury. The result is that they both suffer and their children suffer even more. If they would only follow their Lord’s command and “hold together on equitable terms, or separate with kindness”, then theغ would find so many blessings in their lives.

[Source: Islam Today]

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أيها الداعون إلى الصبر دائمًا

Source : Azwaj Bil Kadhib – IslamToday.com

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Loving their mother

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

–Theodore Hesburgh

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Sex – a means of keeping the heart pure

Taken from “The Proper Conduct of Marriage in Islam” (‘Adaab an-Nikaah), Book 12 of Imam Ghazalis “Ihya ‘Ulum ad-Din”, Translated by Muhtar Holland. Al-Baz Publishing, 1998, ISBN: 1-882216-14-8.

Al-Junaid used to say: “I need sexual intercourse just as I need food.” The wife is in fact nourishment and a means of keeping the heart pure. That is why Allah’s Messenger (Allah bless him and give him peace) commanded anyone who caught site of a woman, and desired her, to couple with his wife, since that would dispel the temptation from his soul. (Page 24)

It is likewise related of Ibn ‘Umar (may Allah be well pleased with him), who was one of the more ascetic and scholarly Companions, that he used to break his fast with sexual intercourse before eating. He would sometimes copulate before bathing and performing the sunset prayer. All this he did so as to leave his heart clear to worship Allah, and to dispose of Satan’s power to distract him. (Page 25)

After the death of Fatima (peace be upon her), her husband ‘Ali (may Allah be well pleased with him) remarried in seven days. (Page 26)

From: Themodernreligion.org

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Sayings of the Salaf

Sufyân ibn ‘Uyaynah (rahimahullâh) said, “The most nimble of creatures still have need of a voice. The cleverest women still need to have a husband, and the cleverest man still needs to consult wise men.”

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Muslim Demographics: We’re Taking Over the World?

By the middle of this century the Muslim population will be such that it will dominate the world.  This video discusses the demographics that will lead to this change.

Obviously, Christians and Europeans are very worried about this fact and if we look in history we will se that they maybe justified because their birth rate is so low that at no stage ever has a nation turned around such a small rate.  It has only lead to their total decline and ultimate destruction.

Very interesting video and the good news is that the Muslims, by simply doing what we are doing, will soon be the most dominant force in the world, inshallah.

Note that this video is made by Christians to scare the Christians about the Muslims and to get them call Muslims to the Gospels.  It is obviously a tool to increase the hatred between our two faiths – like we need anything else to do that!

From: Hamza Jennings

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